Saturday, November 12, 2005

Coach, I loves you

I'm quite tired of sports movies. The problem is that they are all the same. I try to explain this to people and I always hear the same response: "Coach Carter/Remember The Titans/Glory Road/Hoosiers/Miracle/The Greatest Game Ever Played is based on a true story." They're all based on a true story.

If you haven't seen one of these derivative movies, I'll clue you in BGHS style.



"I'm the coach. I have strange methods, but I get results. I will demand the most from your students/children in an effort teach them what they all ready know: They can make a difference. Don't forget that I will require your student to flex his most useful muscle: his brain, because I want your son to be a winner on and off the court. We must all remember that your sons are still young, but these years are influential. They are becoming men."

"We are the sports team. We are most likely split equally into two races: black and white. This may result in some pretty serious confrontation at first, but later we will have some good times (often because we dance to a 1960's soul song). We aren't sure about coaches strange methods; we only want play the game."

"We are the parents. This coach has some strange methods. I don't like the idea of the coach cancelling a game because my son will never amount to anything when he's not on the field/court. That is why we have gone over coach's head straight to the slightly less fed up principal."

"I am the one parent that stands up in favor of the coach at the PTA. My impassioned speech will fall on deaf ears because the coach has such strange methods. I point out that my son is getting better grades and is becoming a better person all thanks to coach. I will eventually win over some parents by saying, 'Come on' a couple of times."

"I'm the principal. I will only shake my head and say, 'I'm sorry, coach . Frankly, I think the parents have a point. We have a record to uphold in our small town, and your strange methods don't fit in with our small town ways. I mean, black people participating with white people in sports? This really goes against our small town ways."


"Hey, it's coach again. I just thought I would ask for one more chance (principal's first name). I know my methods are strange, but you hired me because I have a proven track record. Besides, these boys are really becoming men. Just look that the way their grades are improving. These parents gave up on them getting into school based on grades, but I have proven they are more than just athletes."

"I'm the bigoted father that has been forcing my views unsucessfully on my son. I just found out that he is dating a girl of another race. A black man saved my life from a fire started at a cross burning I participated in and now I see the errors of my ways. If I can love black people, everyone can." NOTE: Mr. Cahill is not actually a racist. I believe him a be a tolerant person in terms of race.

Before the big game, coach says: "It's the big game between our town rival or for a championship. This is where you take everything I have taught you. You are leaving this locker room as boys, but you are walking onto that court as men. Tonight is your night."


During halftime, coach says: "We're down, but we aren't out. There are people in that audience tonight who didn't think you had it in you. Let's prove them wrong. They didn't think a team of black players and white players would get along, but do you remember when so and so did did that hilarious thing to what's his name? That's when I knew it would all work out. I don't care what the outcome of this game is, you're all winners in MY playbook."


Main boy/team leader says, "Coach always says we can be whatever we want to be and I want to be a winner...for coach."


WE WON with a last second buzzer shot/field goal by Tiny, the player we have been good naturedly razzing about his size the whole movie. Everyone rushes the court/field while the camera zooms in on the coach being held up by the team just as the image freezes.

The following text comes on the screen:

"Though coach went on to lead several more teams to championship, no other group of boys meant quite as much as the (school mascot pluralized) of '66.


Now you can skip all sports movies for the rest of time. So, don't watch Glory Road in theatres this winter.