Jean Claude Van Damme: A Retrospecticus

Jean-Claude Van Damme doesn't get much respect as an action star. He ranks somewhere between Michael Dudikoff and Arnold Swarzenegger. The problem is that his ranking is way too close to Stephen Segal for my liking. I think the Muscles from Brussels isn't getting the respect he deserves. As a kid, I thought Cyborg and Bloodsport were awesome. I still think that No Retreat, No Surrender is possibly the great movie ever made. So, I'm going to figure out why VanDamme isn't considered one of the best by reviewing his work.

Van Damme's first major role was in Breakin' as Uncredited. I think you'll see that Van Damme was tough from the very beginning. Let's check out Van Damme's awesomeness on display.

Yes, that really is Jean-Claude Van Damme.

Nothing says "future action star" like a unitard and cheering on break dancers.
Look at that acting. He really seems into it. Look at him cheer on Kelly.

Wow, look at that guy's unit! That thing is huge.

I think I figured it out. I know where his career went down the toilet. He was upstaged by a penis. Look at that thing though. It's massive with emphasis on the "mass." I could park my car under it. That thing should have a parade in it's honor. If I were the mayor, I'd give it the key to the city. Kids should get a day off of school every February for something that impressive.

Anyway...at least we still have Bloodsport and No Retreat, No Surrender (seriously, see this movie) to remember the good ol' days.

Boston has officially been rocked.

I'm back from Boston and I think the best way to phrase it all up is, "IN YOUR FACE, BOSTON!" No city on Earth fears my return more than Boston does. In the title bout of David Sibley vs. Boston, Boston killed itself because it knows how much I ruled over it. I set out to be a participant in every Boston cliche there is and accomplished virtually every goal I had with almost no effort. Here's the rundown on everything I did to show Boston how much in sucks in comparison to all that is David Sibley.

EAT SOME BAKED BEANS - MISSION ACCOMPLISHED

My first official act upon arriving in Boston, I spit on it because I knew I was going to get the butt kicking started. Boston pretty much surrender immediately because the hotel gave us some Boston Baked Beans candy just for checking in to the hotel. Here's a picture:

I knew things would be going my way pretty much from now on.

David Sibley: 1, Boston: 0

LISTEN TO BOSTON - MISSION NOT ACCOMPLISHED

Ouch. I figured this one would be kind of difficult and I was right. Since Boston hasn't been together in decades and no one listens to them anymore, hearing them on the radio proved to be impossible. In a sense, I kind of won this one because I didn't hear Boston.

David Sibley: 1, Boston: 1

EAT BOSTON CLAM CHOWDER - MISSION ACCOMPLISHED

At my mom's convention, there was a Taste of Boston thing. I suckered my way in even though I wasn't supposed to be there and got a bowl of Boston clam chowder. It was just okay, but I did manage to get it all down. At the same time, I had real baked beans (not the candy). That's another half point in my favor.

David Sibley: 2.5, Boston: 1

EAT A BOSTON CREAM PIE - MISSION ACCOMPLISHED

My original goal was to eat an entire Boston Cream Pie in one sitting, but I opted not to do this. I ate a piece of a Boston Cream Pie and that's probably good enough. It would have cost me a fortune to eat an entire one. Of course, I would have been in that restaurant forever as well. I have better things to do like kick the crap out of Boston.

David Sibley: 3.5, Boston: 1

VISIT CHEERS - MISSION ACCOMPLISHED

The first day I was there, I found Cheers about a mile from my hotel. I didn't have the camera. So, I went back the next day.

This picture was taken before a live studio audience.

WARNING: If you want to believe the reality forced down your throat by television, don't look at these pictures. Your mind may be blown by seeing what "Cheers" really looks like.

That's how big the place really is. That Boston Red Sux pennant is the halway marker.

David Sibley: 4.5, Boston: 1

BE PART OF A MASSACRE/STRANGLE SOMEONE - MISSION NOT ACCOMPLISHED

This wasn't an actual goal I had, but I figure both events are pretty Boston cliche. Since this wasn't a real mission I had set for myself, neither side scores.

David Sibley: 4.5, Boston: 1

HAVE A TEA PARTY - MISSION ACCOMPLISHED

I was in Boston and what is more Boston cliche than a tea party. This one seemed like it might have been more difficult than listening to Boston, but nothing is too difficult for me. The Simpsons on Sunday night was about having a tea party and I thought that might be the closest I would get. Sometimes when you are as great as I am, you have to doubt yourself occasionally to keep humble like the little people I interact with on a daily basis (you peons).

I went to a grocery store and bought a box of English tea (song not included) and threw the whole box in the Charles River. This wasn't the exact sight of the slightly more famous Boston Tea Party, but it's close enough for me. In an effort to remain ecologically friendly, I opened every bag of tea in the box and emptied it into the river without throwing the bags and plastic in the river (what a humanitarian I am). I then kept the tea bags and box as proof of my destroying English tea as our forefathers did in 1773. I can only assume that mine own Boston Tea Party will become as famous as the first one.

I would have taken pictures of me actually dumping some of the tea, but it was really dark out when I did it. You just have to settle with these pictures of the empty box and tea bags.

TOP: Closeup of the English Tea box. BOTTOM: All of the empty tea bags.

David Sibley: 5.5, Boston: 1

When I was done with the tea party, I then urinated (yes, I really did this) on Boston because I knew I had mastered Boston with ease. Seriously, Boston accomlished one thing by me not listening to More Than A Feeling or some other song. Why even show up if you aren't going to try to stop me from beating you senseless?

If you fail to see how much I kicked the crap, here's a truck proving that I rule. Boston actually decided that I run the show from now on and are simply changing the name to David. This truck is proof. It's fuzzy and dark, but I swear it says "David's."

My final act for Boston was to spit on it again right as I was getting onto the plane back. This is just to show Boston who really is boss of this town. I'll post a more typical kind of travelogue later this week.

Coach, I loves you

I'm quite tired of sports movies. The problem is that they are all the same. I try to explain this to people and I always hear the same response: "Coach Carter/Remember The Titans/Glory Road/Hoosiers/Miracle/The Greatest Game Ever Played is based on a true story." They're all based on a true story.

If you haven't seen one of these derivative movies, I'll clue you in BGHS style.

"I'm the coach. I have strange methods, but I get results. I will demand the most from your students/children in an effort teach them what they all ready know: They can make a difference. Don't forget that I will require your student to flex his most useful muscle: his brain, because I want your son to be a winner on and off the court. We must all remember that your sons are still young, but these years are influential. They are becoming men."

"We are the sports team. We are most likely split equally into two races: black and white. This may result in some pretty serious confrontation at first, but later we will have some good times (often because we dance to a 1960's soul song). We aren't sure about coaches strange methods; we only want play the game."

"We are the parents. This coach has some strange methods. I don't like the idea of the coach cancelling a game because my son will never amount to anything when he's not on the field/court. That is why we have gone over coach's head straight to the slightly less fed up principal."

"I am the one parent that stands up in favor of the coach at the PTA. My impassioned speech will fall on deaf ears because the coach has such strange methods. I point out that my son is getting better grades and is becoming a better person all thanks to coach. I will eventually win over some parents by saying, 'Come on' a couple of times."

"I'm the principal. I will only shake my head and say, 'I'm sorry, coach . Frankly, I think the parents have a point. We have a record to uphold in our small town, and your strange methods don't fit in with our small town ways. I mean, black people participating with white people in sports? This really goes against our small town ways."


"Hey, it's coach again. I just thought I would ask for one more chance (principal's first name). I know my methods are strange, but you hired me because I have a proven track record. Besides, these boys are really becoming men. Just look that the way their grades are improving. These parents gave up on them getting into school based on grades, but I have proven they are more than just athletes."

"I'm the bigoted father that has been forcing my views unsucessfully on my son. I just found out that he is dating a girl of another race. A black man saved my life from a fire started at a cross burning I participated in and now I see the errors of my ways. If I can love black people, everyone can." NOTE: Mr. Cahill is not actually a racist. I believe him a be a tolerant person in terms of race.

Before the big game, coach says: "It's the big game between our town rival or for a championship. This is where you take everything I have taught you. You are leaving this locker room as boys, but you are walking onto that court as men. Tonight is your night."


During halftime, coach says: "We're down, but we aren't out. There are people in that audience tonight who didn't think you had it in you. Let's prove them wrong. They didn't think a team of black players and white players would get along, but do you remember when so and so did did that hilarious thing to what's his name? That's when I knew it would all work out. I don't care what the outcome of this game is, you're all winners in MY playbook."


Main boy/team leader says, "Coach always says we can be whatever we want to be and I want to be a winner...for coach."


WE WON with a last second buzzer shot/field goal by Tiny, the player we have been good naturedly razzing about his size the whole movie. Everyone rushes the court/field while the camera zooms in on the coach being held up by the team just as the image freezes.

The following text comes on the screen:

"Though coach went on to lead several more teams to championship, no other group of boys meant quite as much as the (school mascot pluralized) of '66.

Now you can skip all sports movies for the rest of time. So, don't watch Glory Road in theatres this winter.