Talk to strangers

There is a new website called Omegle. The basic premise is that you chat with complete strangers. No one has a profile. No one can look up anything about it. It's complete anonymity which means it's a bunch of nerds hoping a female with a webcam is ready to partay. Also, Brazilian people.

There is something mildly interesting about communicating with complete strangers. If it's not interesting, you can just stop. So, here is an example of the conversation you could be having with a complete stranger (I am "you," stranger is "stranger"):

Connecting to server...
You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi! Stranger: hey
You: hello
Stranger: what's up?
You: it is the newest pixar movie
Stranger: mhm.
You: no, it really is
Stranger: have you ever seriously investigated the government's claims about 9/11?
You: i dont think that's what the movie up is about
Stranger: look, the latest pixar movie can wait
You: it has ed asner and his house has balloons on it
Stranger: George Bush LIED to us about 9/11
Stranger: the government is in a massive coverup because they were complicit
You: i'll have to wait for up
You: it doesn't come out until may
Stranger: and you're worried about pixar movies?
Stranger: get your fucking priorities straight.
You: but it's in 3D
You: have you ever seen a 3D movie
You: it's like you're right there
You: in the movie
Stranger: I've seen good friends die in vietnam.
Stranger: that'll teach you what being right there really means.
You: well, if his balloon house lands in vietnam
You: it's rated g
You: so there probably isn't a lot of killing
Stranger: heh. okay, I'm moving on. well played.
You: i think the movie will probably play on my emotions if that's what you mean
Stranger: later.
You: i cried at wall-e
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
EDIT: Someone claiming to be a woman attempted to have cyber sex with me. I figured this was worth preserving.

Stranger: hey sexy
You: you have me confused with someone else
You: i am mildly sexy at best
Stranger: im so horny
Stranger: wont you hel?
Stranger: *help?
You: i guess i can
Stranger: please do babes
You: what turns you on?
You: i will pretend that is my speciaty
You: *specialty

about two minutes pass
You: are you cumming yet?
You: I'm trying my best
Stranger: what would you do to me if i was on your bed?
You: that depends if you are male or female
You: i have two very different scenarios pictured
Stranger: female
You: i assume you are lying but i can pretend
You: i suppose i would probably attempt to woo you in some way
You: this normally results in me not getting any
You: so i should probably do the opposite of my natural inclinations
Stranger: dominate me
Stranger: do what you will
Stranger: i need something
Stranger: im acheing
You: are you all ready naked because that changes my opening move?
You: supposing you are all ready naked, i would probably take off my clothes as well
Stranger: im always naked
You: don't you get cold
You: oh wait, the sex
Stranger: not when i have you to heat me up
You: i get distracted easily
You: i guess I should probably mount you in some way
You: what are your favorite positions?
Stranger: im def a backwards cow girl
Stranger: but babe, you do as you like
You: backwards cowgirl is fine with me
You: it also has the benefit of me not needing to do much
You: so i guess i would lay down on the bed
You: wait, that should be lie down
You: even in sex, proper grammar
Stranger: def
Stranger: and i would straddle you
You: yes, that is generally how the position works
Stranger: pressing my breasts into your mouth
You: that is not backwards cowgirl
Stranger: i start this way
You: unless you are extremely flexible
Stranger: duh
You: oh, good then
You: because you were kind of creeping me out with how flexible you were
Stranger: now what?
You: i guess would be sucking on your breasts
You: seeing as they would be in my face and all
You: also, breasts are pretty great
You: probably playing with your nipples and so forth
You: i guess you could blow me or something
You: by the way, while you are blowing me, i am eating a sandwich
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

If I plan on keeping this up, I should probably start making a separate blog for every stupid conversation I have on this site.

Excerpts from Livin' On The Edge: The Unauthorized Biography of Aerosmith

Chapter 14

"Sex, drugs, and rock 'n' roll... take out the drugs and you've got more time for the other two."
- Steven Tyler
In late 1986, America had opted to eliminate rock 'n' roll to make room for sex and drugs. At the very least Aerosmith's signature brand of hard rock was not being opted for by America. Sales had fallen from the multi-platinum stratosphere to the barely making gold. Ticket sales for the Back In The Saddle reunion tour were lackluster. The Blue Army had gone AWOL and looked never to return.

Coming clean from heavy drug use and failed solo projects had sobered the members of Aerosmith to a heavy reality: no one cares about Aerosmith. The facts could not be denied or mislaid on other excuses: Aerosmith had faded into obscurity.

A proposition.

Realizing that he had used every ounce of talent to pen Dream On and Mama Kin over ten years previous and ruining what little talent that may have remained on his 200 dollar a day microphone stand scarf habbit, Steven Tyler called a meeting in January 1987. It was accepted by all of them that their money made in the 1970s had waned to nothingness in the drug habits and inter-band feuds. Tyler put forth this suggestion:

...instead of progressing musical, we just...I don't know...record a bunch of songs that sound pretty much the same. Wing a solo every now and then to trick people into thinking it's slightly different. I won't say much lyrically. We could knock out a few albums before anyone notices anyway as unpopular as we are.

A heated discussion began. Was this idea possible? Brad Whitford remembered former openers AC/DC had been successful with this formula since the 1970s and no one noticed. The only hold out was Joey Kramer who stormed out of the meeting in tears stating that Aerosmith "means a little bit more to the fans, to me, than that."

Instead of going after him, another heated discussion lasting an hour began. Was the Chinese place on the corner open and were they delivering at this hour? Bassist Tom Hamilton was notably silent adding later, "I'm pretty sure I was in the mood for pizza that night. Yeah, I had a pretty strong hankering for a slice. So the Chinese thing didn't really affect me." Whitford:

Tom always wants a damn pizza. I swear that guy wants pizza all the damn time. Like, right now, it's 9:30 in the morning. If I called him right now, I swear he'd be eating a pizza. At 9:30 in the morning! I like pizza and all that, but Jesus dude! Have a bowl of cereal or something for breakfast. Waffles or something.

Steven Tyler, regarding the walk out by Joey Kramer, said at the time:

He'll be back. How many drummers can the average person even name? Keith Moon, Micky Dolenz...uh, shit...Bootsy Collins I think. Man, Ringo Starr left The Beatles during The White Album for like a month. They didn't even stop recording. We could plug in an 808 right now and split royalties four ways instead of five. Money in the bank.

Joe Perry: "What's he gonna do? Release a drummer solo album? I'd love to hear that. I hope he sings on it."

Tyler: "I'm taking bets right now. Ten to one odds Krame Dog calls me tomorrow morning."

Brad Whitford: "Hang up on his ass and tell him Neil Peart's on the other line."

Tyler: "Then I'll tell him that he's such a nobody that his wikipedia page needs an arrow to point out who he is."

Perry: "What do you call a drummer that breaks up with his girlfriend?"

This went on for about twenty minutes while Kramer, who had forgotten the keys to his 1978 Toyota Celica, sat outside the door crying through the entire ordeal. He waited another fifteen minutes for the drummer bashing to stop because he felt "an earlier entrance would have been even more embarassing."

Upon Kramer's return, the band voted unanimously to record mindnumbingly similar songs for eternity after consulting with AC/DC guitarist Angus Young that it was indeed possible to have a career doing this. It is believed that the genesis for this idea dates back to 1984 with "The Back In The Saddle Again Tour." It appears that not one fan noticed that eight years and four albums had passed since Back In The Saddle had been released. A further test was done with "Let The Music Do The Talking" from the reunion album Done With Mirrors which was a cover from Joe Perry's solo project: The Joe Perry Solo Project six years earlier. If both of these could escape fan and critic notice, what else?

What else indeed?

Since deciding on this plan, Aerosmith has gone from gold selling obscurity to multi-platinum sales again. The only time they have failed to have a platinum album was with the release of Honkin' On Bobo a collection of cover songs which deviated from their plan.

That Aerosmith should only play the same boring crap every time out? It is unlikely that they will continue their success without a return to the plan. Games like Revolution X don't just fall into the lap of every multi-platinum band.

Meet Teddy. He's my wingman.

We couldn't go out a couple weeks ago because he had his sister's wedding to go to in South Bend, but we normally hit downtown every Thursday night. Rock Bottom. Have A Nice Day. Ike And Jonesy's for a laugh. Just a typical Thirsty Thursday may have us hitting four or five places.

If I'm getting my drink on, dude, you know Teddy's ready to par-tay. When some jerk in the place is starting shit, Teddy's got my back and I got his. When some chica is getting too clingy at the bar, stunting my game, Teddy's slides on in there to diffuse the situation old school. So, yeah. He's pretty much my A number one bro.

Then, every Friday night is poker night at my buddy Steve-Os.My broheim supreme, Steve-O. He ain't there every Thursday with Teddy and me because his girl Toni be nagging him about too many boy's night out or something. He's always got poker night at his place on Friday though. He puts his foot down for that. I guess he got to give up some Thursdays for Friday you know? I think Toni got him whipped which violates rule numero uno: bros before hos. Steve-O, you know you my bro for life though.

So, what's up this Thursday? Who knows. Probably typical day of pulling numbers from broads we never gonna call. Then bringing home one if we feel like it. Living life shot by shot, beer by beer. You know how we do.

Hold up though. I didn't always live such a great life, but that was before T-Mobile gave me a lifestyle worth having. I didn't have a fave five. I didn't have Catherine Zeta-Jones informing me about the D-Wade Edition Sidekick. I wasn't going to "Get More" or "Stick Together." There wasn't a T-Mobile HotSpot at Starbucks for this guy. I was living the rest of my life like a schnook.

Now this is my life.
Pretty cool, huh? We're really having a good time because that's what people with T-Mobile do. We hang out and enjoy life in a multiracial, multicultural way. Our young hip fashion sense and above average good looks make us slightly out of your league, but we maintain a certain level of approachability. T-Mobile gets it in a way that other phone service providers don't. I wanted to be cool and with T-Mobile, I am.

Game Fuel For Algernon

Progress Report 1
September 19-My name is Charlie. I saw a flyer saying that a local research institute is paying big money for volunteers. Since the place is only half a mile out of my way home from work, I figured I would see what's up. I found out they're paying $200 a week to watch me play video games. I've never bothered with games too much, but for $200 a week I can learn. It's only an hour a day after work. Maybe now I'll finally be able to afford an engagement ring for my girlfriend Alice Kinian.
The doctors said I should keep a journal so they can monitor my thoughts during the gaming analysis. Anyway, I guess I'll talk about myself. I like reading and enjoy staying afloat of current events. I'm not a health nut, but I try to hit the gym on weekends. Nothing else to say right now.

Progress Report 2September 20-At the institute, I played FreeCell for an hour. I won a few games, but it's not really my thing. In fact, it's kind of boring. When they said I'd be playing video games, I thought they meant the new Nintendo or something. Oh well. It's still getting money.

Progress Report 3
September 25-That institute is crazy. I'm think of getting out of the experiment. They had some mouse named Algernon that is amazing at games. They showed me how good he was at mazes, but they can smell the cheese. People have been running mice through mazes for years. I did that for my fifth grade science project.

Then they showed me how good he was at FreeCell. I don't know what they did, but it's messed up. It's like they're messing with his brain or something. I don't know if I should be involved with a research institute playing God. It's not natural. I told Alice and she agrees with me. I'm pretty sure I'll quit. How is playing video games for an hour helping advance mankind? I'd really like to get Alice something nice with the money though. I'll just do it for a couple more weeks.

Progr3ss Report 4September 27-It was a busy day at work. I got off late and I had to work through lunch. I didn't even have time to stop off for a bite between work and the stupid gaming institute. They told me it was fine and I could have some of their "gamer food." I was kind of dubious at first, but I think Mountain Dew Game Fuel is okay. Those pizza rolls are pretty good too. I wouldn't want to eat like that all the time though. I need to stay in shape, but a soda every now and then won't hurt too much. Besides, I've got to do the Dew. Lowel. The guy next to me said Lowel means I'm laughing out loud.

I was going to say something about the animal testing, but I was busy playing games.

pr0gr355 r3p0r7october 1-i feel kind of stoopid. its not lowel. its lol.
i am really kicking butt at freecell. i even play it when im not at the institute. i started playing minesweeper and solitaire. i had no idea how much i enjoy video games. i'm starting to love mountain dew game fuel too. i still work out every other weekend so its nbd. im getting a win-loss ratio as good as algernon now bichs.

i had such a craving for freecell all day. it wasnt just freecell but the competition aspect that is great about games in general. i couldnt wait to get to the institute and play. i had some more game fuel. im getting scores as high as algernon now bichs.

pr0g355 23p027sup n00bs. i been acing freecell all day. i got the highest win lose ratio in the whole institute. take that algernon. the pwnt has become the pwner. i got my first paycheck. ill get somethign 4 alice l8r. i bought a 360 elite version and more mountain dew game fuel.bsides alice been making fun of me. she said im gettin a pot belly from sitting round gaming all day. she poked it an laffed. =/= teh funny.

pr0gr3ss r3port
been on xbox live all day raining the pwn on on n00bs like no tomorow. gamertag is teh_ninja_force69. been on since 8 am. had to log off cuz i ran out of game fuel. need my energy to get head shots in halo 2. halo 3 soon!!!!1!! n00bs on gamefaqs think there badazz liek me. their assbutts not pwners liek me.

alice is all bothering me about meeting her parents this weekend. wtf. call of duty tournament at eb games this weekend!!!1! cant go home without trophy. alice mentioned my weight agin. shut up bich. had first pimple in years today.

teh institute says my gaming score is amazing or some shit. i dont care cuz im 2 1337 for that place. it is teh sux. aint goin back their no more.

pr0gr355 r3p0r7when the fuck maddox gonna update his page?

pr0gr3ss r3p0rtran out of mountain dew game fuel. had to go to institue. pwned everyone there at freecell SO HORD. even that stoopid algernon. way to lose dumbass.
p20gr355 r3p027
110101010010101010101011111000101010101010101010101010101010100000000011111010101010101011111010101011011101010101010101011101010111110101111111110101010101010100001010101010101010111110000101010111101011011001011110101011010001101010101010101111101000110101011101010100010110110101

dont read binary? i @m on higher plane than u. suck it bichs.
p20g2355 23p027went to institute. they said algernon is all jittery cause of the caffiene in mountain dew game fuel. there going 2 ween him off of it cause its unhealthy or some shit. more 4 me.
pr0g355 23p027found out algernon died from mountain dew game fuel withdraw. PHAIL!!!1!!
movin into my parents basement cuz that bitch alice left me. wtf. i got lara croft and doa volleyball anywayz. fap fap fap.

pr0gr3ss reportoh noes!!!1! mountain dew said there not makin game fuel becuz no one likes it and it aint selling 4 shit. fuk i'm thirsty.

prog3ss rep0rtI went to teh institute and their out of game fuel too. WTF. still thirsty. logged onto xbox live and actually lost 25 deaths to 26. damn. thought the game seemed like a newb and I lost.

progress rep0rtSo I went to the institute to turn in some progr3ss reports. I thought I would show sum people how to get their h4x on in FreeCell. OMGWTF win streak is over!?!

Also I gained like 30 pounds since starting this experiment. I better start hitting the gym a bit more. Better start eating better too. I miss that Mountain Dew Game Fuel, but no sense in letting myself go. I'm only 24.

Progress ReportWell, I guess the experiment is over. I don't know what Dr. Nemur expected from me. I got pretty good at video games for a while, but now I'm exactly like I was before. My XBox is gathering dust the past week. I haven't come close to getting my streak on FreeCell again. I don't even enjoy playing it anymore. I'm starting to lose some weight again and my skin has started to clear up. I don't remember much of the experiment, but apparently it made my spelling terrible. Also, why was I so obsessed with the number 1337? My lucky number is Alice's birthday; not 1337.

Speaking of Alice, I should call her. With all the money I got from the experiment, I can take her to a really nice dinner. If I regain some ground, maybe I can get the nerve back to propose. I better take it slowly though because I think I really pissed her off. I'll bring roses to her. While I'm at the flower shop, I'll pick up some flowers for Algernon's grave. I always felt bad for them experimenting on a harmless mouse.

Whatever happened to predictability?

I should probably never admit this, but I watched Full House all of the time as a kid. It's not exactly a great show. In fact, it's kind of a crappy show. On the rare instance that I'm flipping channels and I see it's on, I'm probably going to finish the episode though.

One thing I love about it is that it tells you it's predictable from the outset. The beginning of the song is "Whatever happened to predictability?" Actually, the beginning of the song is "Ah Ah Ah Ah...Waaaahhhhh!" It's one of my all time favorite television theme songs, but I digress.

Full House was more than predictable television though. It was as sweet as the frosted side of Kellogg's Frosted Mini Wheats and and wholesome as the other side. If you genuinely wanted a show that you could watch with children and never worry about the content, Full House was it. In fact, most children would pass on it because it's so saccharine.

I'm sure there's one person out there other than myself that wants to relive Full House, but doesn't want to bother waiting for reruns. If you're that person, today is your lucky day. I have created the Full House Plot Generator.

Jean Claude Van Damme: A Retrospecticus

Jean-Claude Van Damme doesn't get much respect as an action star. He ranks somewhere between Michael Dudikoff and Arnold Swarzenegger. The problem is that his ranking is way too close to Stephen Segal for my liking. I think the Muscles from Brussels isn't getting the respect he deserves. As a kid, I thought Cyborg and Bloodsport were awesome. I still think that No Retreat, No Surrender is possibly the great movie ever made. So, I'm going to figure out why VanDamme isn't considered one of the best by reviewing his work.

Van Damme's first major role was in Breakin' as Uncredited. I think you'll see that Van Damme was tough from the very beginning. Let's check out Van Damme's awesomeness on display.

Yes, that really is Jean-Claude Van Damme.

Nothing says "future action star" like a unitard and cheering on break dancers.
Look at that acting. He really seems into it. Look at him cheer on Kelly.

Wow, look at that guy's unit! That thing is huge.

I think I figured it out. I know where his career went down the toilet. He was upstaged by a penis. Look at that thing though. It's massive with emphasis on the "mass." I could park my car under it. That thing should have a parade in it's honor. If I were the mayor, I'd give it the key to the city. Kids should get a day off of school every February for something that impressive.

Anyway...at least we still have Bloodsport and No Retreat, No Surrender (seriously, see this movie) to remember the good ol' days.

Boston has officially been rocked.

I'm back from Boston and I think the best way to phrase it all up is, "IN YOUR FACE, BOSTON!" No city on Earth fears my return more than Boston does. In the title bout of David Sibley vs. Boston, Boston killed itself because it knows how much I ruled over it. I set out to be a participant in every Boston cliche there is and accomplished virtually every goal I had with almost no effort. Here's the rundown on everything I did to show Boston how much in sucks in comparison to all that is David Sibley.

EAT SOME BAKED BEANS - MISSION ACCOMPLISHED

My first official act upon arriving in Boston, I spit on it because I knew I was going to get the butt kicking started. Boston pretty much surrender immediately because the hotel gave us some Boston Baked Beans candy just for checking in to the hotel. Here's a picture:

I knew things would be going my way pretty much from now on.

David Sibley: 1, Boston: 0

LISTEN TO BOSTON - MISSION NOT ACCOMPLISHED

Ouch. I figured this one would be kind of difficult and I was right. Since Boston hasn't been together in decades and no one listens to them anymore, hearing them on the radio proved to be impossible. In a sense, I kind of won this one because I didn't hear Boston.

David Sibley: 1, Boston: 1

EAT BOSTON CLAM CHOWDER - MISSION ACCOMPLISHED

At my mom's convention, there was a Taste of Boston thing. I suckered my way in even though I wasn't supposed to be there and got a bowl of Boston clam chowder. It was just okay, but I did manage to get it all down. At the same time, I had real baked beans (not the candy). That's another half point in my favor.

David Sibley: 2.5, Boston: 1

EAT A BOSTON CREAM PIE - MISSION ACCOMPLISHED

My original goal was to eat an entire Boston Cream Pie in one sitting, but I opted not to do this. I ate a piece of a Boston Cream Pie and that's probably good enough. It would have cost me a fortune to eat an entire one. Of course, I would have been in that restaurant forever as well. I have better things to do like kick the crap out of Boston.

David Sibley: 3.5, Boston: 1

VISIT CHEERS - MISSION ACCOMPLISHED

The first day I was there, I found Cheers about a mile from my hotel. I didn't have the camera. So, I went back the next day.

This picture was taken before a live studio audience.

WARNING: If you want to believe the reality forced down your throat by television, don't look at these pictures. Your mind may be blown by seeing what "Cheers" really looks like.

That's how big the place really is. That Boston Red Sux pennant is the halway marker.

David Sibley: 4.5, Boston: 1

BE PART OF A MASSACRE/STRANGLE SOMEONE - MISSION NOT ACCOMPLISHED

This wasn't an actual goal I had, but I figure both events are pretty Boston cliche. Since this wasn't a real mission I had set for myself, neither side scores.

David Sibley: 4.5, Boston: 1

HAVE A TEA PARTY - MISSION ACCOMPLISHED

I was in Boston and what is more Boston cliche than a tea party. This one seemed like it might have been more difficult than listening to Boston, but nothing is too difficult for me. The Simpsons on Sunday night was about having a tea party and I thought that might be the closest I would get. Sometimes when you are as great as I am, you have to doubt yourself occasionally to keep humble like the little people I interact with on a daily basis (you peons).

I went to a grocery store and bought a box of English tea (song not included) and threw the whole box in the Charles River. This wasn't the exact sight of the slightly more famous Boston Tea Party, but it's close enough for me. In an effort to remain ecologically friendly, I opened every bag of tea in the box and emptied it into the river without throwing the bags and plastic in the river (what a humanitarian I am). I then kept the tea bags and box as proof of my destroying English tea as our forefathers did in 1773. I can only assume that mine own Boston Tea Party will become as famous as the first one.

I would have taken pictures of me actually dumping some of the tea, but it was really dark out when I did it. You just have to settle with these pictures of the empty box and tea bags.

TOP: Closeup of the English Tea box. BOTTOM: All of the empty tea bags.

David Sibley: 5.5, Boston: 1

When I was done with the tea party, I then urinated (yes, I really did this) on Boston because I knew I had mastered Boston with ease. Seriously, Boston accomlished one thing by me not listening to More Than A Feeling or some other song. Why even show up if you aren't going to try to stop me from beating you senseless?

If you fail to see how much I kicked the crap, here's a truck proving that I rule. Boston actually decided that I run the show from now on and are simply changing the name to David. This truck is proof. It's fuzzy and dark, but I swear it says "David's."

My final act for Boston was to spit on it again right as I was getting onto the plane back. This is just to show Boston who really is boss of this town. I'll post a more typical kind of travelogue later this week.